Can We Change Our Core Personality?

Some think that it is possible, as adults, to change our personality. By personality, i mean the synthesis of attitudes, habits, the way we think and feel, our outlook on life and our attitudes towards ourself and others.

One way of looking at personality is to view it as a circle with a central point. Everything outside the point/core is the part that evolves over time from our perceptions, attitudes and experiences that we have throughout our life.

The very first perception that is formed as an infant is the one primary perception on which all others are based. It is whether the world is a trustable place or not. If an infant is treated with love, nurtured, held, and wanted by the parents (its first contact with the external world) then the infant will feel secure and come to the understanding that the world is a place he can trust. His emotional development will reflect this and the child's personality will grow and develop from this point based on that one important sense of the world, although he will later learn that the world may not be a completely safe place. On the other hand, if the infant, still in the crib, is not given the basic unconditional acceptance or the love or nurturing, touching, attention that he deserves, he will grow to learn that the world he inhabits is not a trustable place. In fact, he will feel unsteady and unsure about what his surroundings holds for him. His expectations of his external reality will be one of mistrust, suspicion, and a place where he must be guarded, because the world, according to his experiences, will be a threatening place, and he will feel uncomfortable and unsure of what he can expect from his surroundings. This one perception will be at the core of all perceptions he develops from that point on and will be the primary source of all his neurosis and difficulties in forming any relationship for the remainder of his life.

In any relationship, regardless of the kind of relationship, there is a point at which one of the persons must make themselves vulnerable to the other. He must share some secret or show something he hasn’t revealed to anyone else. This is the sacrifice that must be made if a relationship is to grow. When he does this and the other person doesn’t reject him or accepts him unconditionally, then this point becomes the real beginning of where the true inner nature of the relationship begins. It is the point at which an acquaintence becomes a friend. The trust that develops from this one sharing of vulnerability becomes the building block of strength that the friendship will now become. As time develops, the trust building will develop both ways. The other person shares a vulnerable moment with him and the bonds of the friendship will grow both ways.

If the child who basically mistrusts the world does not resolve his issue of how he see’s the world, he will grow to adulthood never being able to reach a point where he will be willing to place himself in a vulnerable position with someone else, because to him, his world is nothing but a threatening place by which he must develop defenses to protect himself from, and ward off the rest of the world which he sees as a threat. So his ability to form deeper relationships will be more difficult because he is not willing to take the step of allowing other people to see his vulnerabilities.

The crucial point here is that all perceptions of the world that follows the one the infant makes about the world being a trustable place or not becomes the filter by which all future perceptions of the world will be made from that point on, and it also becomes the most important perception that is at the center of the core of his personality.

As we develop to adulthood, we cant go back, correct this one perception and then expect that all the ones hence will in some way resolve themselves in a way that will lead to a more trustable view of the world. The interconnectedness of all our perceptions and feelings and actions are so intricately tied together, that the notion that we could go through therapy, and in some way hope that we can change, I contend is an illusion.

Personality is far too complicated and interwoven with reinforced experience, habits and other factors that i'ts not possible to deal with any one problem in isolation. Although it is true that some people make remarkable changes over their lifetime, I contend that those changes may occur on the outer edges of the circle (personality) and that in and of itself may result in a completely changed person. But I still contend that changing the basic nature of the core personality itself, is an unrealistic goal that only leads to greater sense of hopelessness that may add to the futility of the quest to changes one’s life.

In all things, we must have realistic goals. Goals that are credible and attainable. The goal of changing our core personalities is not realistic. A better goal would be to find points in our life, and experiences where we can examine, and perhaps come to different conclusions about their meaning that ultimately affect the way we see them, our world and ourselves. This hopefully can lead to insights that shed light on why its so difficult to trust others, and maybe lay the foundation for taking the risk of finally sharing some of his deepest held fears, secrets with others. This can then show us that there are people who we can trust, and maybe chip away at that core perception of the world thus far seen and protected ourselves from is a place that is less threatening than we first perceived as that infant in the crib. Over time, and with new reinforcing positive experiences via more trusting intimate relationships, we can change personality enough to understand and control the instinctive defenses from being called forth to prevent us from taking a risk to reveal our true inner self to others.